The 3 Secrets to Attracting Amazing Love - Lesson 3

Dear Heart-felt Seeker of Love,

Welcome to the third lesson of the 3 Secrets to Attracting Amazing Love mini-course! If you missed Lesson 2, click the link to read Lesson 2 now.

What Happened with Susan and Robert?

At the end of lesson 2, Susan was in desperate straits. She had finally met a wonderful man, named Robert, who loved being close with her in a way that she had never experienced before.

However, over time Robert started acting more and more distant, and her initially perfect relationship was falling apart at the seams. What caused the dramatic downward slide, and how did things ultimately turn out for them?

Susan's Dating Life

Before answering that question, let's start by looking at Susan's relationship history before she met Robert. Like many of us, she was initially fatally attracted to the wrong people...

Susan started out by having a series of disastrous relationships with men who were just like dear old Dad.

They all had in common that they were smart, funny, playful... and unavailable. Her relationships kept repeating the pain of her childhood.

Robert Was Different

When Susan met Robert, she managed to dodge the bullet of finding another unavailable man (which can happen sometimes).

She finally found a guy who really was emotionally available, but over time he became less and less available. What happened here?

Susan experienced a special kind of self-sabotage where she unintentionally acted in ways that pushed Robert into becoming emotionally unavailable... against his basic nature!

Why Might We Act in a Way That Causes Our Partner to Act Like Our Parent?

I would like to share a radical concept with you about how we can cause our partner to take on the negative traits of our parents, even if he or she wouldn't otherwise have them.

This happens because we become hyper-sensitive to anything that even slightly reminds us of our parent's painful behavior.

We then over-react as if we're being treated badly, like our parent did.

Our over-reaction inevitably pushes our partner into acting more and more like our parent. Let's see how this played out between Susan and Robert.

Susan's Unintentional Self-Sabotage

At the beginning of her relationship with Robert, he was very available, and Susan was in a state of bliss.

It all started to change that fateful weekend when Robert had a work crisis and had to cancel their weekend plans. Someone without Susan's childhood background would have been disappointed but understanding.

Susan, however, had a lot of childhood pain from her father not being emotionally available due to his work coming first, so she was extremely sensitive to anything that reminded her of her father's unavailability.

She over-reacted by getting hurt and angry, accusing Robert, "Your work is more important than me!" It took a 20 minutes to reassure her and soothe her feelings.

We can certainly sympathize with Susan's old pain, yet her over-reaction took a toll on Robert. The next time he saw her, he was slightly reserved. Given a bit more time, I'm sure Robert would have gotten over the experience completely.

However, his slight reserve again reminded Susan of her father's unavailability, so she over-reacted again by snapping at him "for no reason."

This vicious cycle kept repeating until her behavior pushed Robert into being more and more reserved and distant... just like dear old Dad! Yikes!

This Kind of Self-Sabotage Happens with Any Negative Trait

We saw how Susan's behavior pushed Robert into being unavailable like her Dad. However, the same happens with any parent's negative trait.

For instance, if Susan had a critical parent, she would have acted in a way that pushed Robert into acting more and more critical.

Everybody Does This!

First of all, it's important to understand that none of this was Susan's fault.

It's a normal part of being human to be attracted to people with the same negative traits as our parents. And it's normal to become super-sensitive to anything that reminds us of our parent's painful behavior.

And, sadly, it's normal to over-react and push our partners into behaving more and more like our parents.

What happened to Susan happens to all of us. It's part of the human condition.

Breaking Out of the Bad Relationship Blues

So, are we doomed to keep being attracted to the wrong people or to turn our partners into our parents? In a word... Yes! Unless we do something about it.

It is completely possible to break out of this unhappy pattern and end this self-sabotage once and for all, once we understand it and do the needed healing.

How Did This All Get Started?

So, how do we get stuck being attracted to the wrong people in the first place, and how can we break out of it?

When a parent has a strong negative trait... like being unavailable, or angry, or judgmental, or controlling, and so on... two things happen:

  • We experience the pain of the parent's negative trait
  • We experience the pain of the positive need not being met

For instance, with an emotionally unavailable father, our need for love, closeness and validation would not be met by Dad.

We are then powerfully drawn to people with the same negative trait as our parent because:

Our inner child never gives up on trying to get her/his needs met by Daddy, and our adult romantic partner acts as a stand-in for Daddy (or Mommy)!

For example, in the case of an unavailable father, our inner child never gives up on trying to win the love and approval of Daddy, and our romantic partner acts as a stand-in for Daddy (or Mommy).

This isn't weird or sick - it's perfectly normal!

However, since our partner has the same negative trait as our parent, we won't be able to get our needs met with this person either!

For example, just as an emotionally distant father didn't meet our needs for closeness and validation, an emotionally distant partner will not meet our needs for closeness and validation either.

We end up staying in a relationship for way too long, hitting our head against the wall of trying to get our needs met from someone who can't or won't do it.

Wouldn't it make sense to be with someone who could meet your needs instead of people who can't? Clearly yes, but you need to address a powerful force keeping you stuck in order to do that.

How Can You Get Unstuck?

I often hear people say:

I'll just look for someone who is emotionally available instead of unavailable! (or whatever is the opposite of their parent's negative trait).

Unfortunately, it's not enough to be aware of being attracted to people with a certain negative trait and look for people without that trait.

The subconscious forces are too strong. Either you are blind to the fact that the person has that trait, or you see it but go forward anyway, or you end up doing the same kind of self-sabotage as Susan.

People Without the Negative Trait...Just Ain't Sexy

In fact, there can be an even bigger problem here. How many times have you known someone who you knew would make a great partner, but there frustratingly wasn't any "chemistry"? You wished you were attracted to that person, but sadly you weren't.

Just like people with your parent's negative trait are the sexiest people on the planet, people without the negative trait just ain't sexy at all!

You can see how big a deal this is...

As long as you are powerfully, subconsciously attracted to people with the worst traits of your parents, a healthy and happy relationship is going to be extremely hard (or impossible).

In fact, this is the #1 reason people don't find their soulmate!

So, What Does Work?

The best solution is to heal the original wound from your parent's negative trait in a special effective way (see more in the next section).

Once you have done this, you will no longer be drawn to people with that negative trait ever again!

The struggle will be over.

In the example of the distant father, you would stop being drawn to distant partners, and you would no longer unconsciously push your partner into behaving the same way.

Instead, you will be drawn into healthy relationships with people who are very capable of being emotionally close and loving.

Powerful Healing Technique

There are many ways to heal the original wound of your parent's negative trait. Traditional therapeutic methods, however, can take a very long time to do so.

In my case, it took me three years of regular therapy to break out of my negative attraction pattern (though I was thrilled when I succeeded).

The fastest, gentlest and most effective method that I know is called the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT or "Tapping").

EFT is a powerful, easy to learn self-help tool that works like "emotional acupressure" to rapidly release negative emotions and false beliefs.

And I created a special version of EFT that I call Relational EFT™ that is specifically designed to heal relational wounds from our parent's negative traits much more effectively and faster than regular EFT.

The really cool thing is that with Relational EFT you only have to heal around 3-4 example memories of your parent's negative trait to stop being attracted to people with that trait forever!

I sincerely wish that Relational EFT had been available to me when I was working through my love blocks.

This is why Relational EFT is the cornerstone of the process I use with my clients to help them attract their soulmates quickly.

So... What Finally Happened with Susan and Robert?

I'll let Susan tell you in her own words:

"I'm so deeply grateful for your Breakthrough Program that helped me heal the wounds from my childhood. You won't believe what happened!

"Last week Robert and I had plans to spend the weekend in the mountains. He called me at 5pm on Friday and said that he had an emergency at work and had to cancel our plans. I simply said 'No problem, honey. I'll call to reschedule.'

"Later that night we laughed about how freaked out I used to get when he had to cancel our plans in the past. It's such a relief not to feel that way anymore!

"It was incredibly helpful to understand that my whole problem came from having an unavailable father growing up. After healing those memories using the Breakthrough Program, I don't get upset by things like that anymore!

"Working with my inner child to give her love and attention was very moving and meaningful to me. It has also helped me to really receive Robert's love more fully and deeply than I ever could before.

"Your program saved our relationship, and I will be grateful for the rest of my life. We're very happy and busy planning our wedding! Thank you from the bottom of my heart." Susan

You Can Break Free Too!

You too, like Susan, can stop being attracted to the wrong people and stop sabotaging good relationships! I have helped so many people heal their inner child and break the vicious cycle of loneliness and doomed relationships, so I know how possible it is.

You can do it too! Just imagine no longer being attracted to the wrong people and all the heartbreak that goes with it... it is such an incredible relief! 

Click here to get started transforming your love life now with the Single 2 Soulmate Breakthrough Program.

The Healing Journey Continues...

Remember to tune in tomorrow for lesson 4 in this series. We will talk about a second common barrier to finding love:

Having emotional blocks prevent you from being with your ideal partner/soulmate.

We will talk about the kinds of fears and limiting beliefs that can keep you from being with Mr. or Ms. Right... and how to release them all. Stay tuned.

With love,

Stefan Gonick
Soulmate Attraction Mentor and Expert EFT Practitioner